I’ve retreated.

I’m trying not to write for the world but write for me. (By world, I mean 9 of you. Sincere thanks to all 9 you.) I also aim not to reveal too much because I’m still a private person, but I want to write in a way that is relatable and helps us feel less alone (and less ashamed) while not coming across as seeming to pretend or assume that I have all the answers. And, I want to use my writing as an opportunity to explore my creativity, so I try to do that too while also rounding it all out, maintaining conciseness (am I?) while having a point and also waxing poetic.

Maybe I should wane.

I am waning.

It’s the time of year. And the collective seconds of the year that have led to now.

I’ve given a lot of myself this year. I always have. And as I retreat I realize just how utterly exhausted I am from that. I take so much in. Constantly processing and trying to map it all out and find ways to address every bit in a manner that is direct and fair and mindful and caring. Not just in my professional life, but in my personal life too.

My approach probably makes things much more complicated than they need to be, but it’s also my nature. Equal parts peacemaker, perfectionist, and performer. (I’m still sorting it out. Yes, I’m reading about the Enneagram right now.)

So, I retreat. Post-Christmas I have completely crashed. Any time that hasn’t been spent sleeping, I’ve spent being. Soaking in that which nourishes me instead of putting it out into the universe. Silently embroidering, letting my mind do nothing but decide which stitch will go where next. Listening to podcasts, like On Being (my everything right now) on “The Urgency of Slowing Down” with Pico Iyer. Eating a meal’s worth of cheese on Boxing Day, quietly appreciating the warmth of framily (yes, I spelled that correctly), while barely speaking a word to them.

I don’t know if I have a point here. Although, I’m certain I do. I guess it’s just that we’re all fighting battles. And sometimes it’s hard to be public about what those are. But it’s ok. We’re not alone. And in time we can take baby steps to finding each other and admitting that it’s hard and that we can still be ok and happy despite that.

I’m retreating some more. Relishing the darkness of night that is already waning in the winter season. Soaking in warmth, rather than trying to add to it. Hibernating and hopefully cultivating the energy to go to it again in the year ahead. Taking baby steps to connect with others and explore my creativity in the process.

No matter your battle, I assure you that you are not alone. May the waning retreat of the season bring you comfort and whatever else it is that you need.