I take daily one-second videos to capture my year. A friend has done it for the past couple years, and so inspired by her, I’ll have my first one finished on December 31, 2018.  

It’s been a non-stop week, and Thursday and Friday were legitimately scheduled from 8am to after 10pm. This used to be my norm. A packed schedule left little room for feeling, and the structure of it helped me feel needed and like there was something in my life I could control.

Now, it’s a circumstance, and maybe a tiny bit of residual coping. It’s the nature of my job, the causes I choose to devote my time to, and, at least for now, the addition of a show. What has also changed are the mindful moments. I stretch in the mornings and enjoy my coffee. I try to walk to work to clear my head before the day begins. I walk to meetings without looking at or talking on my phone. I take a breather for a meal, even if it’s quick. I pause for an hour in my therapist’s office once a week. I walk with my dog and husband before rehearsal. I sip tea in my bed at the end of a long day.

Last night I got home after a late rehearsal following the longest week I’ve had in quite some time. I showered off the day – another mindful moment. When I got out, my husband was already asleep, and so I slipped downstairs to make my tea. As my water boiled, I sat on the couch illuminated only by the Christmas lights.

And I cried.

It was a release. Of gratitude, of peace, of having made it through a long ass week. Of seconds. Thousands of seconds. Only a few of which were captured on video, yet all made the sum of my week.

Our old beagle who suddenly follows me around in the mornings. Our last board meeting under our current city leadership. Meatball subs and high fives with a friend. New ideas and venues and planning. My husband cleaning up a broken glass that triggered a much-needed morning cry. Devoting my time to a new mission and cause that challenges and inspires me. Sharing tea and soda with one of my best friends, reminding ourselves that friendship comes first. Our puppy curled up by my side, chewing her bone.  

Sitting on my couch, illuminated by the Christmas lights, drinking peppermint tea, soaking in all the seconds of the week. All the seconds that we shared and all the seconds about each other that we’ll never know.