Cultivating the life I need and feeling terrified to claim it in the process.

Being grateful for the sun and wanting it to go away at the same time.

^^

This. Is. Everything.

Today I talked with my therapist about crossroads and the juxtapositions of ups and downs and mixed emotions.

I’ve been processing a lot of change and growth of late. This is the ongoing state of everything. But sometimes we come to a close in certain chapters. And of all places to be faced with this one, I am finding it dancing in community theater.

I grew up as a ballet dancer, and in hindsight ballet was so much more to me than I ever realized. Distraction, achievement, attention, movement, expression, connection, love. The world of ballet opened my entire world – people of different ages, countries, languages, and backgrounds. I grew an appreciation for diversity, discipline, and the many moving parts and individuals it takes to produce arts events.  

And I learned perfectionism. And therein coping. Routine, control, consistency. Distractions in achievement, and love in applause. I learned that I was good at something and that made me feel good. And loved.

And as I return to a dark theater for late, week-night rehearsals, I am finding that the connection of a coping mechanism is no longer there. Nor do I need it. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less to say goodbye.

—

I’m tired right now. Very, very tired.

I guess what I’m trying to get to is who am I?  Who am I under the dancer who found love on the stage? Who am I behind the person who finds distraction and worth in achievements? What is my worth without something tangible to show for it?

And I thought I was going to bounce around stage singing ABBA tunes…